Things Don't Always Go As (humanly) Planned

It’s 9:45am time to get the girls in the car and start our 30 minutes trek to the doctor’s office for my 14 week appointment. I’ve packed the essentials, diapers and snacks, to keep the girls distracted and occupied knowing that going to the doctor’s office by yourself with 2 small children can be an event. Luckily they are super kid friendly and have lots of toys both in the waiting room and in the hallways where the offices are. Jason calls as we are in the waiting room to invite us to lunch as him and his co-workers are going out to celebrate a birthday. I figure if anything we will be looking to kill time figuring we will go in weight, blood pressure, measure the belly, listen to the heart beat and be on our way…

The midwife comes in and asks the typical questions: any bleeding, any cramping? To which I reply no. Jericho and I get up on the examiner table, because Jericho gets freaked out when I am on the table without her, I am balancing Jericho on my chest trying to convince her that spring up and down on me is not the most fun she has had all day and the midwife scans for a heartbeat. A minute or so go by and I am not thinking anything of it as I know it can sometimes take a while to locate the heart beat. A minute or more goes by and she says “well whoever is in there is moving around too much so I am going to go get the ultra sound.” Still not thinking too much of it I remind Blythe where the screen is if she wants to watch. Then the ultra sound hits my stomach and the picture is nothing like what I have seen before. So far the only ultra sounds I had seen instantly showed the outline of a baby and a small fluttering of a heart. This screen didn’t show the outline of a baby at all, just looked like tissue floating around. As I am writing this out I am asking myself “how did you not freak out right then?” but I didn’t. I wasn’t starting at the ultra sound machine as I was still entertaining Jericho and I guess I was calmly and patiently waiting for the heart beat to be found. The midwife says “I can’t find a heartbeat, you can tell there was a pregnancy, but let me see if I can get you worked in to the big ultrasound.” I calmly tell the girls that we need to go down the hall, pack up our things and off we walk.

A few minutes later Jason calls to say that they are headed to lunch and I told him that the doctors were having a hard time finding the heart beat so now I was waiting to go into the larger ultra sound room. I told him I would call him when I was done. Somewhere between the time I hung up the phone with him and a few minutes, reality sank in – I did NOT see a baby on the little ultra sound, only tissue, and I should only expect to see the same thing on the large ultra sound machine. Still very calm and chasing my kiddos around the hallway as we were no longer in a kid friendly waiting room and telling myself hey this is o.k. we knew this could happen and obviously there was something genetically wrong with the baby and my body and the baby knew he/she wasn’t meant to come into this world. I don’t have any real concept of time at this point as glancing on my watch was not on my mind as I chased kids, tried to answer question, and patiently wait a confirmation. Jason calls again at some point to see what the status is, this is when I tell him what I saw on the small u/s machine and that I wasn’t expecting a different result once I was seen by the larger u/s machine. He asked me if I wanted him to come and I told him I was o.k. and I would call him once I knew something. Obviously he ate his lunch as fast as he could and had someone drop him off at the doctor’s office – only the wrong doctors office –as he had to call back several time for other directions.

They call my name and the girls and I go into the large u/s room. I tell Blythe that she can watch the screen and we may or may not see the baby. To my surprise we did see the baby, you could clearly see a head and a spinal cord, but what you couldn’t see was a heart beat or any movement. The u/s techs are taught not to say anything, but I knew it was confirmed, at some point the baby passed away and my body had yet to physically miscarry it.
After the scan we went back to the midwifes office where she told me that the large u/s confirmed what she saw on the small u/s – no heart beat and the baby measured 11 weeks 6 days. [knock, knock on the door] “Mrs. Wilkes your husband is here.” It wasn’t until that moment that my eyes started to water, I don’t know if it was because I was holding it together for the girls or having to tell Jason that we lost our 3rd child, but I was able to regain composure pretty quickly. The midwife told us our options and we, being the naturalist that we are, opted to wait and let my body miscarry the baby naturally. The D&C is the same procedure used for abortions and my days and training with The Coalition For Life had taught me all the risk associated with the procedure and it is something I hope to avoid.
After the midwife stepped out Jason and I immediately had the same reaction – it’s for the best and clearly something went wrong. The midwife had told us that 90% of miscarriages before 13 weeks were due to genetic malfunctions, confirming what we were both already thinking. But she also told us that this doesn’t put us at any greater risk for miscarriage in the future and we have 2 healthy children and no reason to think we can’t have more. To some this may sound cold, but as hard as it is to think that you are going to welcome a new baby into the world in May and find out that you aren’t I feel blessed that my body and the baby were able to recognize that something wasn’t right. Of course if God wanted Jason and I raise a special needs kid we would do it with all the love in the world, but I think all of us hope and pray for healthy babies and I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. Jason and I have positive spirits and faith that we will continue to grow our family – after all we are told to be fruitful and multiply..right?

I have to admit that I do feel like a ticking time bomb as we wait for the physical miscarriage to take place – I hear I am going to feel like death for a few days – but we will get through, move on, and God willing be blessed yet again with a healthy beautiful baby.

We are truly at peace with the decision that God has made. Of course I will probably never again go into an OBGYN appointment expecting to hear a heartbeat and who knows how long, if ever, I will go to an appointment and not be holding my breath while they search for the heartbeat, but every life is a miracle and we shouldn’t take that for granted.

I write this post this evening not for sympathy or empathy, but simply because I don’t think having a miscarriage is something to be ashamed about or feel like you shouldn’t share. I understand that it affects everyone differently and everyone has to grieve and deal with the loss the best they know how and for me I chose to share. I don’t want people to feel awkward around me when talking about pregnancy or babies or even asking questions about it.

Company

You know those mornings where the kids sleep in till 9, you made home-made cinnamon rolls the night before and your husband woke up early to pull them out of the fridge so they could rise and be ready for the oven right when you wake up. Where you kids wake-up refreshed with smiles on their faces, get themselves breakfast and want to spend the better part of the morning in your lap in jammies reading books? K' I don't either, but even IF I had experienced that kind of a morning it wouldn't have anything on a morning, much less a weekend, with company.

This weekend we had visitors!! The perfect visitors, the kind who from the time they walk in the door till the sad time that they have to leave there is never silence just constant conversation and the chatter and playing of their kids with yours. I LOVE having company and entertaining and when its friends you have been missing since you moved it just doesn't get any better. Of course you know that the weekend is going to be filled with late nights, early mornings, and jam-packed days, but even 2 hours of sleep is enough to reeve you up for the next day. The energy company brings when you initially stumble out of bed to retrieve a jammied little and run into another jammied little and a stumbling mom. The way you instantly smile at each other and pick right back up where you left off the night before. The way you feel invincible to the need of sleep and think *I can sleep later, nap after they leave, because this moment, this conversation, this is worth it..SOOO worth it. And after a tearful goodbye you are so energized from all the heart-filling conversations that you don't even nap, your high on life and high on company. Of course like all good things this too will pass and by 6pm that evening you will be begging the clocks to say 8pm because now company is gone and the high feeling is wearing off and the reality of 6 hours of sleep in 2 nights is setting in. Even then its all worth it...so very worth it.

Some Things Never Change

No matter how different your children are there is one thing that always holds true with EVERY.SINGLE.ONE...if they are really quiet for more than 5 minutes you know they are up to no good.

Exhibit A:








Sister know how to write a B...even in black eyeliner on little sisters face


Sister also knows to how clean up!

When I peeked in to check on the girls I could have been a fierce Momma bear and told Blythe very sternly that we don't play with Mommy's things without her permission, but instead I ran and got the camera hoping they would still be up to no good when I returned. I lucked out and they didn't know they had been caught. Instead I chose to smile and enjoy the fact that they were enjoying each other so much and was impressed that Blythe was able to get Jericho to participate and how well she did the 'eye liner,' seeing as she doesn't get much exposure from me. Of course I did remind her that in the future she should ask Mommy before playing with the eyeliner, but really would it have been this fun if she would have asked and would Jericho have participated as well if it wasn't secret sister stuff??

Exhibit B:





Apparently she attempted to paint Jericho's face, but Jericho preferred and was much more cooperative with the foot. I only know that because there was some paint attempt on her cheek. Sister has a good eye for colors!

And here was our craftasticness for the week:



Have a Great Weekend!

Sleepless in San Antonio

The title is a bit of an exaggeration because I am sleeping, I just can't seem to get adjusted to this time change, and this is supposed to be the easier one. I am completely DONE for the day at 8pm and I inevitable start my day (meaning I am not sleeping, but still in bed) at 5:30am when Jason's alarm goes off. The new 5:30am is so close to the old 7am that I can't seem to fall back asleep even though I feel exhausted. Is this old age setting in, pregnancy, being in a new place?? Hopefully our entire household will be adjusted soon.

I can't seem to get my act together since moving to San Antonio. If you came to our house you wouldn't recognize it as my house, its a war zone. There are things everywhere. All the boxes are un-packed and neatly stacked in the garage along with the million sheets of packing paper, but that's where the neat ends. I don't know if I am suffering from having to keep the Bryan house in tip top shape every second of everyday, knowing that we don't know anyone so no one is going to randomly stop by, or if this is just Monica in San Antonio. I have never been one to overlook messes and keep a 'well lived in' house, but I seem to have mastered this skill since arriving. I keep trying to tell myself that I just haven't figured out the Fengshua of this house, but I don't even really know what that means, its just a fancy way of (oh crap the doorbell just rang..wheew just the USPS women) convincing myself that in due time I will figure out where everything should go and then I will keep it there. We'll see how long that takes.

Longs story short I have fallen apart in the 'house wife' category here in San Antonio, but the FUN with family category has been revved up a notch..San Antonio has a LOT more to do than Bryan.

Office Picnic at Fiesta Texas for a family of 4 for $20..YES PLEASE!


Blythe's First Roller Coaster - she LOVED it..She was just barely 36 inches




This little monkey was too small for most of the rides, but she had a great time sightseeing















Jason and I even got to enjoy a lot of the roller coasters because we spent the day with another family with kids and took turns on the rides. The company rents out the park so there were virtually NO lines...it would be hard to go any other time. Being able to walk right onto the roller coasters and sit in the front is AWESOME!

And the San Antonio Children's Museum....AWESOME! Awesome that our Bryan pass go us in for free not awesome that since it is downtown we had to pay to park, but it was worth it.













This girl can milk a cow:




I was so happy to capture this moment. I love the look of wonder in Jericho's eyes as she watches her big sister and them tries to mimic it.






Do you remember these from when we were kids? How the little pins would always go up your nose when you did a face imprint? This exhibit has perfected it and you are free to make a face imprint without the pins going in your nose!





And we have had our first fire in the new house...toasty!



Alright friends and family there are tons of things to do here in San Antonio so come visit us SOON!!

Halloween..Or What's Left of It

Does anyone know what happened to Halloween? The Halloween that Jason and I have experience with the girls the last few years is a FAR cry from the Halloween we remember. Back in the day, are we that old?, you put on your best costume, you fought over the biggest pillow case in the house, and out you went...on a quest to fill your pillowcase...several times over. In our neighborhoods ALL the houses on the block participated in Halloween, I think we were the only house on the block that turned off the lights and played 'not home,' but that was only until we hit a few houses, took the candy back to our house and 'recycled it,' knowing good and well there was NO WAY we could ever eat all the candy we would get before it went bad or our stomachs just plain rejected it. Now, you are lucky if every 5th house has their porch light on and has candy. Seriously people??? Have they all become the Halloween Grinch or has all this 'tampered candy' BS gotten the best of people and Halloween has turned into "Trunk-or-Treat," or Halloween at the mall. What might be worse than that is the few people we did see out and about were being DRIVEN around. Really people we are THAT lazy, that we won't walk with our kids house to house??

I dream of a day where all the houses on the block have their front porch lights on and candy in a bowl. Where we will walk down the street and bump into lots of littles, and bigs, decked out in costumes. Half the fun of Halloween is seeing all the other kiddos dressed up. We saw....5, seriously 5 other kids in 2.5 hours and NONE of those 5 were walking they were all being escorted in air conditioned SUV's. Alright I'll stop and move on; I just had to get that out.

Yesterday marked the first of a long line of End of the Year Holidays and we started it out right. Every Halloween must start with a pumpkin carving or painting, and painting we did.

















Apparently the deer, which are abundant around here, have a real sweet tooth for pumpkins, luckily I got the memo from the moms at the playgroup and after our pumpkin dried we promptly brought them inside to save them from becoming lunch.

Who were the cutest kiddos on the block??? Why these precious Mermaids, of course!





I think it took Jericho maybe 3 houses to figure out this candy business. She was a MONSTER in the candy bowl. Try explaining to a 15 month old that the polite thing to do is let them offer you the candy not to reach both hands into the bowl and grab as much as you can. Lucky for Jericho everyone thought she was TOO cute and were thrilled to give her gobs of candy.



At first Blythe was leading the way, walking up and knocking on the door, but before too long Jericho was giving her a run for her money.













Luckily the girls are too young to realize how lame Halloween has really become and instead were completely smitten with the idea that all you have to do is knock on the door say Trick-Or-Treat and get fist full’s of candy!

I have HIGH expectations for you next year Halloween...I hope you can raise the bar.